Saturday, December 30, 2017

DC Outlook's 10 Worst Movies of 2017

Jennifer Lawrence stars in mother!

The older we get, the more cynical we (usually) become. So coming up with a list of the 10 worst movies of the year should be a cinch for an honest film critic. Unfortunately, it was. In fact, the biggest difficulty was limiting it to just 10. Without further adieu, let's examine 2017's most colossal failures.

10. Kong: Skull Island: The actual Kong is awesome. Unfortunately, novice director Jordan Vogt-Roberts would rather focus his camera on Tom Hiddleston & Brie Larson & their unofficial tight t-shirt contest.

9. Suburbicon: What's the world coming to, when Matt Damon and George Clooney combine to make a lousy, nonsensical movie? Watch Pleasantville instead.

8. The Great Wall: What's the world coming to, when Matt Damon makes a lousy, nonsensical movie? Déjà vu? Damon's terrible (especially that accent) but the special effects are so bad, you (hopefully) may not even notice.

7. Kingsman: The Golden Circle: A $100 million sequel, that doesn't come close to the original. Dumb, dumb and dumber.

6. Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle: Sexist, silly and stupid. Even The Rock isn't big enough to propel Jake Kasdan's mindless sequel to any sort of relevance.

5. Battle of the Sexes: I was in the minority (pun intended) on this one; but you can't have a sports biopic without sports, can you? P.S. The match footage looks like it was shot by a nine-year-old.

4. Live By Night: I thought Gangster Squad was the worst crime drama ever made. Not so fast. Ben Affleck's obvious vanity project goes horribly, horribly wrong... in Tampa.

3. Geostorm: Disaster movies are supposed to be marginally bad, but this CGI thunderstorm of futility bottoms out within five minutes. Absolutely awful (even without Jim Sturgess.)

2. Colossal: Critics liked it, but this Nacho Vigalondo dud literally (and rightfully) bombed at the box office ($4.7m box office/$15m budget.) Godzilla tackles spousal abuse. Hard to believe it didn't click with moviegoers.

1. mother!: Equal parts confusing and vulgar, mother! could be the worst movie of the decade. As for the snooty critics who looked up its meaning on the internet after, then tried to explain it to the rest of us... drop dead.